p 15: MJ Kaplan talks about “throwing the sheet over the ghost”--naming the unspoken dynamics (em dash or colon, not comma)
p. 17: Even though everyone on the team iscommitted
p. 17: “caring is just as important as engineering and marketing”. In fact, it’s good (full stop, not comma--org structure is saying the first thing, you are saying the second)
This section may need a recap: you say, earlier, "Obviously, this is the result of many factors. Perhaps the easiest one for you to pick up...". Once stewardship is described, it might be good to restate that this is one method, there are others (are there?), and the most important thing is that bottlenecks be avoided and above all caring work be distributed.
The flow of this section seems flawless and compelling. The problem is set up, the Loomio solution is gently described, the gratifying result is so...gratifying. It is one of the ideas that makes me such a fan of what you are/have been doing. Way out in front, illuminating ground that all of us are going to have to traverse sooner or later. It gives one courage.